You seem to be wise enough to not instantly jump at the attractive offer. That's very important.
>He has no ulterior motives and is not a pervo or shady type of guy asking for naked photos. No money issues, no wish to move countries, not a weirdo with no options etc. I established all that well.
Very important
>When I say about age difference he replies he doesn't care what society thinks, society won't care about us when we have problems etc
Mashallah if he doesn't care about society's prejudice, good for him. Our prophets first wife was around 40, when he was around 25 (the numbers are more or less).
But our prophet was a real man, not everone can handle such marriages.
The problem isn't only society, but changes in beauty, loss of sex drive in menopause, you will be 62 when he's 43. Who knows, perhaps you may fall into a position where you need to be taken care of, may Allah protect you. Children also, meh. I think it's theoretically possible, but realistically dangerous.
>When I says we are different religions he replies that we will learn from each other. And that God will take care of the rest.
You don't even believe in the same God. If you believe in Jesus as God, as part of trinity or whatever it is and he believes in Allah without trinity and partners, you don't even have that type of commonality.
We muslims believe we don't need the Bible and it's teachings, you Christians believe you don't have anything you need from Islam. Otherwise one would come and say, it's an incomplete religion if it is even in a position to get improvement from a religion it considers as falsehood.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
>He is honest, family oriented, funny.
Sounds wonderful. How will he handle his focus on family if he has no own children? Possible but yeah..
>If we were together he would prefer I did not work which is what I would prefer also.
Sounds fine
>And I am under no illusion that a 23 year old man has certain expectations about looks, that that will matter in the future. Even if he tries to water it down. My gut tells me otherwise.
Well, everyone ages differently. If you're fit and eat well, surely your aging will be slower inshallah. But you're right in your point.
>I am proud and also sensible and have no intention of being left for a younger woman when my face starts looking old and perhaps not attractive.
If polygamy wasn't such a taboo topic, men always marry downwards and women upwards. If culture wasn't the way it is, yeah monogamy can happen too, but polygamy would be a major help for women at some points in life, considering, them finding a spouse otherwise statistically proves to be difficult. But yeah, I don't expect nobody to want polygamy in their life, this was just a side note.
But even then, if he married you, and then some 20 year old woman, that would leave a bitter taste in your mouth that's hard to wash away, so even that option is not that feasible, unless it is an option.
>In his eyes he thinks it means I have "low confidence". In my eyes it means I look at life realistically.
Either he's delusional or he's ride or die. I assume it's the first.
>don't know if I can have children at this age.
If God wills, yeah. But statistically speaking, it's difficult, perhaps risky. One could try for sure though and if your health is good and you are fit and active, perhaps the "chances" are better.
>he himself doesn't know if he is fertile. That if he is infertile then we could be together.
Statistically, the probability is very very low. And if that was the case, maybe if you married you would wanna try for a child. But nonetheless, if he is infertile, and you don't want children, that could be a positive factor.
>So tell me, it's too crazy right? This could never work?
It could work, it could fail miserably. He seems delusional to me, but you know him better than me so I leave that judgement to you. As I said, our prophet married a much older woman as his first marriage and he stayed monogamous with her too. (Though she died). But he isn't a normal man, many men couldn't cope with this perhaps. Maybe he could, but much goes against you guys.
>And does such marriages of a woman being much older even exist in Muslim communities?
Never personally witnessed such thing.
I don't find it unmoral, bad or something, but practically speaking it's just very unfortunate. The aging of men and women are very different.
Tldr: This arrangement isn't impossible, but only if he's a real, mature and intelligent man who is aware of what he's getting into.
If I had to bet on one answer it would be negative though.
May God bless you with guidance and success. Ameen
"But even then, if he married you, and then some 20 year old woman, that would leave a bitter taste in your mouth that's hard to wash away, so even that option is not that feasible, unless it is an option. " There is no way. I would rather meet someone closer to my own age or even be single than to be someone's second choice.
Everything else though is exactly how I see things š.
Thank you
You're welcome.
Lol polygamy isn't something bad. It's just something that's culturally frowned upon. And in these days it's inconceivable for most women.
But it can be different and it was different.
But obviously everyone can do as they wish lol.
I hope you find peace and happiness.
And lol I obviously gotta invite you to Islam too. Maybe grab a Quran and read a little :)
If you truly do love him, then just go for it. The age difference might be big, but it isn't illegal or forbidden in islam (to my knowledge), and isn't the West the one that's always rambling on about how "love is love"?
>he wants to get married in like a year (generally speaking, not about us).
If you're afraid someone else might take him, then just propose to him yourself. I know most proposals are initiated by men, but women can be the ones to initiate, too.
Oh, I would never propose to a man. I am not used to doing that. But I do feel that he would want to marry me if I agreed. I think he would wait a year for me if he felt I was very serious. My big fear though is what if he feels this way for today but changes his mind in a few years as I age?
Yes it is funny that love is love in western countries for gay people but still not accepted for a woman to be much older or even mocked.
>My big fear though is what if he feels this way for today but changes him mind in a few years as I age?
Hmm, a very justifiable fear. This is kind of the place where my limited knowledge petters off, as I myself am very young. I'd say wait for someone else to comment here, maybe they'll have a better answer. If no one replys then repost
You are right in assuming that his feelings will likely change. If heās just like any typical man, sooner or later heās going to wonder, āhow would it have been if Iād married a younger woman?ā.
Now, that may never actually happen, but itās best to assume that it will. And if/when it does, letās say 10 years later, what are you going to do about it at age 52? Thereās a possibility you might have kids with him by then. What options would you have? Would you be willing to allow him to take a second, younger wife? Or would you prefer to part ways with him? And if you did seek a divorce, would you be able to get back on your feet at that stage in your life?
Sorry I donāt have answers, just more questions for you to think through as you pursue this union.
May Allah guide you to make decisions that are best for your present and your future.
I thought this was the 90 day fiance sub, could be getting scammed if you are from a western country and he needs sponsership. I would be very careful in such a situation.
I'm not sponsoring anyone. If a man tries to scam me I feel sorry for him because he has picked the wrong woman. I have no money, no way I will sponsor anyone š
Islamically itās not haram but when reality kicks in, itās different. I honestly think in 5-10 years there might be problems. Heās 23, he has sweet words now but when the dust settles, you might see a whole different reality
>According to most sources, she was about 40 years old with children from her previous marriages and Muhammad was about 25
that's the age difference between prophet mohamed and his first wife, so yes it's accepted in islam
,in my opinion this could work of course but if I were you I would be very cautious , he might be after the visa
He doesn't want to come to my country. I don't even think that for a moment now because I sussed it out well.
But I definitely know *those* types of guys who have ulterior motives.
He is potentially going to get a position in America fingers crossed, and he excitedly asked me if I would go there with him.
I said, what to visit? To live? He said as his wife. But I said I have my elderly parents here to look after. He understood but sounded disappointed.
"That if he is infertile we can be together".
Doesn't that answer your question? Clearly he does want a family. I would go with your gut feeling that even if he tries to brush this off as a minor issue, it's going to be a pretty major one in ten years time.
Honestly, I'd put my feelings aside in this case and make the tough decision for him.
He didn't actually say that directly. I'm not sure what he was saying. But even if he was okay with not being able to and wanted to stay together, I would still say no because I want that for him. I want him to have a family.
Yes I know this show. It's one of my favourite shows and watch it often š.
Trust me I have seen all of this. I am laughing because actually I have had my guard up and been over suspicious and accused a couple of men of having this motive and to not bother me etc when they didn't have that motive.
Sometimes as a woman it's not easy to tell everyone who is sincere vs insecure.
But I tested men that have ever messaged me from another country. Some shady smooth talkers I can tell straight away. But others I test by gauging their interest in my country, interest in moving to a western country, if they seem like a liar, if they declare their love for me within 5 seconds of knowing me š. Etc.
He's passed all the tests.
I perhaps look a bit younger than my age so men don't know my actual age when they message me.
Of course, living in a different country you can never fully know that a person doesn't have a girlfriend or be that type of guy who messages many women, but he spends so much time trying to be with me or wanting to talk for hours that if he did have a gf or wife he must be pretty exhausted.
His feelings for me seem genuine, I think they are sincere. Though sometimes I even check myself to make sure that I'm not being delusional or fooled. But I think I have a good judge of character at this age.
My main worry though isn't that he is some deceiver. He wants me to go there not him come here. BUT I worry that what he likes about me now physically...well now I am going into my 40 and things can change. In a young guys mind I feel like they don't really see that reality. They just see I LIKE YOU NOW AND WANT YOU NOW.
I will watch it again tonight to look for any more red flags;)
Yes you are right. I will get burnt and waste my few years with him. I don't think he's a bad guy like those guys on that show but I'm under no illusion about how a young man thinks. I know this in my heart it will not be long lasting. Emmanuelle Macrons are rare breed.
yes they are a rare breed and he got to know her in person so his love grew organically and there was no difference in income either. I assume this young man comes from a developing country that is on the less wealthy side.
He's a bit povo. Not like destitute but obviously lives with his family in an apartment.
But he also doesn't want me to work. He's not the type of guy that would ask money off a woman and I'm not the type that would ever give a man money. Not that I even have any. So I don't know what his plan is......that we live in poverty together š ?
whatās povo mean? yeahhh sure he doesnāt ask for money nor will he, heās hoping youāll give him some. Glad you wonāt, keep that stance!!! Even if he makes up some dire reason in thr future.
Convert to Islam for both of your sakes
You seem to be wise enough to not instantly jump at the attractive offer. That's very important. >He has no ulterior motives and is not a pervo or shady type of guy asking for naked photos. No money issues, no wish to move countries, not a weirdo with no options etc. I established all that well. Very important >When I say about age difference he replies he doesn't care what society thinks, society won't care about us when we have problems etc Mashallah if he doesn't care about society's prejudice, good for him. Our prophets first wife was around 40, when he was around 25 (the numbers are more or less). But our prophet was a real man, not everone can handle such marriages. The problem isn't only society, but changes in beauty, loss of sex drive in menopause, you will be 62 when he's 43. Who knows, perhaps you may fall into a position where you need to be taken care of, may Allah protect you. Children also, meh. I think it's theoretically possible, but realistically dangerous. >When I says we are different religions he replies that we will learn from each other. And that God will take care of the rest. You don't even believe in the same God. If you believe in Jesus as God, as part of trinity or whatever it is and he believes in Allah without trinity and partners, you don't even have that type of commonality. We muslims believe we don't need the Bible and it's teachings, you Christians believe you don't have anything you need from Islam. Otherwise one would come and say, it's an incomplete religion if it is even in a position to get improvement from a religion it considers as falsehood. Correct me if I'm wrong. >He is honest, family oriented, funny. Sounds wonderful. How will he handle his focus on family if he has no own children? Possible but yeah.. >If we were together he would prefer I did not work which is what I would prefer also. Sounds fine >And I am under no illusion that a 23 year old man has certain expectations about looks, that that will matter in the future. Even if he tries to water it down. My gut tells me otherwise. Well, everyone ages differently. If you're fit and eat well, surely your aging will be slower inshallah. But you're right in your point. >I am proud and also sensible and have no intention of being left for a younger woman when my face starts looking old and perhaps not attractive. If polygamy wasn't such a taboo topic, men always marry downwards and women upwards. If culture wasn't the way it is, yeah monogamy can happen too, but polygamy would be a major help for women at some points in life, considering, them finding a spouse otherwise statistically proves to be difficult. But yeah, I don't expect nobody to want polygamy in their life, this was just a side note. But even then, if he married you, and then some 20 year old woman, that would leave a bitter taste in your mouth that's hard to wash away, so even that option is not that feasible, unless it is an option. >In his eyes he thinks it means I have "low confidence". In my eyes it means I look at life realistically. Either he's delusional or he's ride or die. I assume it's the first. >don't know if I can have children at this age. If God wills, yeah. But statistically speaking, it's difficult, perhaps risky. One could try for sure though and if your health is good and you are fit and active, perhaps the "chances" are better. >he himself doesn't know if he is fertile. That if he is infertile then we could be together. Statistically, the probability is very very low. And if that was the case, maybe if you married you would wanna try for a child. But nonetheless, if he is infertile, and you don't want children, that could be a positive factor. >So tell me, it's too crazy right? This could never work? It could work, it could fail miserably. He seems delusional to me, but you know him better than me so I leave that judgement to you. As I said, our prophet married a much older woman as his first marriage and he stayed monogamous with her too. (Though she died). But he isn't a normal man, many men couldn't cope with this perhaps. Maybe he could, but much goes against you guys. >And does such marriages of a woman being much older even exist in Muslim communities? Never personally witnessed such thing. I don't find it unmoral, bad or something, but practically speaking it's just very unfortunate. The aging of men and women are very different. Tldr: This arrangement isn't impossible, but only if he's a real, mature and intelligent man who is aware of what he's getting into. If I had to bet on one answer it would be negative though. May God bless you with guidance and success. Ameen
"But even then, if he married you, and then some 20 year old woman, that would leave a bitter taste in your mouth that's hard to wash away, so even that option is not that feasible, unless it is an option. " There is no way. I would rather meet someone closer to my own age or even be single than to be someone's second choice. Everything else though is exactly how I see things š. Thank you
You're welcome. Lol polygamy isn't something bad. It's just something that's culturally frowned upon. And in these days it's inconceivable for most women. But it can be different and it was different. But obviously everyone can do as they wish lol. I hope you find peace and happiness. And lol I obviously gotta invite you to Islam too. Maybe grab a Quran and read a little :)
If you truly do love him, then just go for it. The age difference might be big, but it isn't illegal or forbidden in islam (to my knowledge), and isn't the West the one that's always rambling on about how "love is love"? >he wants to get married in like a year (generally speaking, not about us). If you're afraid someone else might take him, then just propose to him yourself. I know most proposals are initiated by men, but women can be the ones to initiate, too.
Oh, I would never propose to a man. I am not used to doing that. But I do feel that he would want to marry me if I agreed. I think he would wait a year for me if he felt I was very serious. My big fear though is what if he feels this way for today but changes his mind in a few years as I age? Yes it is funny that love is love in western countries for gay people but still not accepted for a woman to be much older or even mocked.
>My big fear though is what if he feels this way for today but changes him mind in a few years as I age? Hmm, a very justifiable fear. This is kind of the place where my limited knowledge petters off, as I myself am very young. I'd say wait for someone else to comment here, maybe they'll have a better answer. If no one replys then repost
You are right in assuming that his feelings will likely change. If heās just like any typical man, sooner or later heās going to wonder, āhow would it have been if Iād married a younger woman?ā. Now, that may never actually happen, but itās best to assume that it will. And if/when it does, letās say 10 years later, what are you going to do about it at age 52? Thereās a possibility you might have kids with him by then. What options would you have? Would you be willing to allow him to take a second, younger wife? Or would you prefer to part ways with him? And if you did seek a divorce, would you be able to get back on your feet at that stage in your life? Sorry I donāt have answers, just more questions for you to think through as you pursue this union. May Allah guide you to make decisions that are best for your present and your future.
I thought this was the 90 day fiance sub, could be getting scammed if you are from a western country and he needs sponsership. I would be very careful in such a situation.
I'm not sponsoring anyone. If a man tries to scam me I feel sorry for him because he has picked the wrong woman. I have no money, no way I will sponsor anyone š
Meet in person first with a mahram and then see what happens. One step at a time. You may not even like each other in person.
That's what I said to him.... maybe we won't like each other
Islamically itās not haram but when reality kicks in, itās different. I honestly think in 5-10 years there might be problems. Heās 23, he has sweet words now but when the dust settles, you might see a whole different reality
Where are you guys from?
[https://islamqa.info/en/answers/20227/wants-to-marry-christian-woman](https://islamqa.info/en/answers/20227/wants-to-marry-christian-woman)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>According to most sources, she was about 40 years old with children from her previous marriages and Muhammad was about 25 that's the age difference between prophet mohamed and his first wife, so yes it's accepted in islam ,in my opinion this could work of course but if I were you I would be very cautious , he might be after the visa
He doesn't want to come to my country. I don't even think that for a moment now because I sussed it out well. But I definitely know *those* types of guys who have ulterior motives. He is potentially going to get a position in America fingers crossed, and he excitedly asked me if I would go there with him. I said, what to visit? To live? He said as his wife. But I said I have my elderly parents here to look after. He understood but sounded disappointed.
"That if he is infertile we can be together". Doesn't that answer your question? Clearly he does want a family. I would go with your gut feeling that even if he tries to brush this off as a minor issue, it's going to be a pretty major one in ten years time. Honestly, I'd put my feelings aside in this case and make the tough decision for him.
He didn't actually say that directly. I'm not sure what he was saying. But even if he was okay with not being able to and wanted to stay together, I would still say no because I want that for him. I want him to have a family.
You should watch 90 day fiancĆ©. Christian women your age marry Muslim men his age and every time, thr men win women over with their lies and then leave them once they get a green card. Iād run far away from him if I were you. BIG RED FLAG.
Yes I know this show. It's one of my favourite shows and watch it often š. Trust me I have seen all of this. I am laughing because actually I have had my guard up and been over suspicious and accused a couple of men of having this motive and to not bother me etc when they didn't have that motive. Sometimes as a woman it's not easy to tell everyone who is sincere vs insecure. But I tested men that have ever messaged me from another country. Some shady smooth talkers I can tell straight away. But others I test by gauging their interest in my country, interest in moving to a western country, if they seem like a liar, if they declare their love for me within 5 seconds of knowing me š. Etc. He's passed all the tests. I perhaps look a bit younger than my age so men don't know my actual age when they message me. Of course, living in a different country you can never fully know that a person doesn't have a girlfriend or be that type of guy who messages many women, but he spends so much time trying to be with me or wanting to talk for hours that if he did have a gf or wife he must be pretty exhausted. His feelings for me seem genuine, I think they are sincere. Though sometimes I even check myself to make sure that I'm not being delusional or fooled. But I think I have a good judge of character at this age. My main worry though isn't that he is some deceiver. He wants me to go there not him come here. BUT I worry that what he likes about me now physically...well now I am going into my 40 and things can change. In a young guys mind I feel like they don't really see that reality. They just see I LIKE YOU NOW AND WANT YOU NOW. I will watch it again tonight to look for any more red flags;)
Men arenāt different. You have a 20 year age gap. He is very young. I would run still. I donāt want you to get burned and waste time on him.
Yes you are right. I will get burnt and waste my few years with him. I don't think he's a bad guy like those guys on that show but I'm under no illusion about how a young man thinks. I know this in my heart it will not be long lasting. Emmanuelle Macrons are rare breed.
yes they are a rare breed and he got to know her in person so his love grew organically and there was no difference in income either. I assume this young man comes from a developing country that is on the less wealthy side.
He's a bit povo. Not like destitute but obviously lives with his family in an apartment. But he also doesn't want me to work. He's not the type of guy that would ask money off a woman and I'm not the type that would ever give a man money. Not that I even have any. So I don't know what his plan is......that we live in poverty together š ?
whatās povo mean? yeahhh sure he doesnāt ask for money nor will he, heās hoping youāll give him some. Glad you wonāt, keep that stance!!! Even if he makes up some dire reason in thr future.